


That Little Four-Letter Word

by its_me_smol_steve



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (seriously its a problem, Angst, Coming Out, Death, Declarations Of Love, Feelings, Gay Male Character, M/M, a whole lotta angst, and unable to not do fluff, because i'm me, but also not?, but fluff too, does anybody even read the tags anymore or am i the only one?, except i don't care)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 03:13:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19821367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_me_smol_steve/pseuds/its_me_smol_steve
Summary: Bucky came back to Steve and thought he'd never lose him again. Turns out, he may have been wrong, but not in the way he thought.





	That Little Four-Letter Word

"Rogers!" Natasha called as she walked into the kitchen, and immediately Bucky was grinning. She had that certain smile on her face that meant a mission.

"Natasha," he replied, smiling, because he recognized her expression, too. "What is it today?"

"Hydra." Bucky's blood ran cold, and Natasha glanced at him. "An old base. Shouldn't be too much of a problem. Maybe a hundred people there in all, less than half are trained soldiers."

"We know that could be a problem for me, though," Bucky said softly. "Shuri tried, but she wasn't able to get everything. There's things, triggers, that I know I've forgotten. Is there a way to assure I'll be protected?"

"Actually," she said, and grinned at him. "There just might be."

"I'm intrigued," he said dryly, raising a brow.

"Tony developed these." She opened her palm toward him, revealing small, white cylinders. "Ear plugs, with different channels and blockers so you can hear us and nothing else."

"Damn," he said, impressed. He accepted the devices and rolled them around in his palm, inspecting them. "He outdid himself."

"Aw, thanks, Wiener Soldier! That means a lot." Tony walked in, grinning, and Bucky laughed.

"Tony, man, what the hell."

He gasped, placing a hand on his chest like an old maiden. "You wound me, Barnes," he said, eyes sparkling with humor. "C'mon, mission! What's going on?"

"Hydra base, Tony, you know this," Natasha said. "Continuing, it's somewhere in western Asia. We'll have an exact location closer to when we leave, which is a week from Friday. Intel says that's the best time to get in; it'll have the least amount of trained soldiers then."

"Sounds good," Steve nodded, turning to the cabinets. "Now, anyone want lunch?"

A myriad of yeses later--most of which came from Tony--and Steve was closing the cabinet and opening the fridge. "Okay, so sandwiches, because that's the only thing that'll feed all of us."

Bucky laughed as Tony pouted and walked out. "I'll help," he promised, smiling at his best friend.

* * *

Bucky had always loved the dynamic between Steve and himself. They always knew what the other was thinking, always jumping to help the other, and if Bucky was being honest, a big reason he liked it so much is because of the person.

Growing up in the twenties in Brooklyn hadn't necessarily been cruel, but it sure wasn't kind, either; especially not to people like him. The fairies, they were called. Bucky never minded that name, but he knew Steve hated it, and for a long time, he thought Steve would hate him, if he knew. So he never said anything. Not until much, much later, until both of them had been frozen and thawed, and brought back together.

"Steve?" He'd asked tentatively, watching the parade go by. "What do you think of all of that?"

"What? Gay?" He shrugged, "I think people should be free to love who they want, and besides, who am I to tell them who they can and can't love, you know?"

"Yeah," Bucky said softly, and turned away a couple minutes later, facing Steve. "I want you to know... I am." he gestured to the last of the rainbows going by. "I realized it back in Brooklyn, if I'm being honest, but it wasn't safe."

"No kidding?" Steve said, and he was grinning. "Thanks for telling me, Buck. I know that took a lot of courage."

Bucky just shrugged, giving him a half-smile before turning back to the window. No way he was gonna tell him about his crush, not until Steve came out to him. _If_ Steve came out to him.

Still, he thought, it's about more than just that little four-letter word. It's about making each other coffee in the morning, and leaving the last piece of pizza for the other at night. It's how they woke each other up so they wouldn't have to live their nightmares, or at least wouldn't have to live them alone.

It's how they said that little four-letter word in all the ways they didn't. And that was enough.

Until, suddenly, it wasn't. Not for Bucky. But Steve hadn't shown any sort of change, so he hid it. Because his friendship with Steve was the most important thing.

* * *

"Alright, boys!" Natasha said, almost giddy. "You ready to go?"

"As I'll ever be," Bucky grinned back, slipping the special earbuds in and adjusting them. "Can everyone read me?"

"Loud and clear, Buck. Clint on his way?"

"Two minutes!"

"Tony?"

"Already on the roof, Spangles!"

They settled into light, easy banter on the way there, but Bucky couldn't help but have a bad feeling. He pulled Steve aside. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Of course." All pretense dropped, and he looked at Bucky, worried. "What's up?"

Bucky took a breath and looked off, shook his head, then looked back. "I can't lose you, Steve," he said quietly.

"You won't," Steve said, looking like he was getting ready to fight Bucky on it. "What makes you think you are?"

"That's just it," Bucky said desperately. "I don't know. I just don't have a good feeling about this mission."

Steve thinned his lips before speaking. "You can sit this one out if you think it'll be better, but I'd like to have you on the mission. We're bringing the minimum amount possible, including people, so tell me if I need to call Sam, but I'm not sure he'll be able to make it on such short notice."

Bucky blew out a breath then shook his head decisively. "It's fine. I'm good. I can do this. It's just a feeling, right?"

"Exactly," Steve smiled, clapped him on the shoulder, then suddenly grinned over his shoulder. "Yeah, that's what she said!" he called up to Clint, who groaned. Bucky snickered. "Seriously," the blond said, turning his attention back to Bucky. "You're okay?"

"I'm good, Steve," he promised. "C'mon. Let's get these sons of bitches."

Steve chuckled, shook his head, and moved away, missing the way Bucky shuddered, trying to lose the bad feeling.

* * *

"Goddammit, Clint, where the hell are you?" Steve demanded over the comms, and Bucky knew, he _knew_ , this was going to be bad.

"On my way!" The archer promised, but Bucky knew where he was, knew where Steve was, and knew there was no way Clint would get there in time.

"Clint, stay where you are, I've got his six." He continued when Steve tried to contest, "Clint's too far out and I'm not busy. Now watch your goddamned position until I get there." He knew his tone was harsh, but at this point, he didn't care. Not with the steady mantra of _Steve, Steve, Steve_ thundering through his head, louder than his own blood.

He got to the door separating him from Steve at the same time Natasha did. He looked at her, ran through the door--and bounced off of it instead. "Reinforced," he cursed. "Any explosive presents for me?"

"For you? Always," she grinned. "Stand back." She attached a small incendiary device to the door near the handle and pushed the button to detonate it. She stepped back, and after the customary two seconds, it exploded, sending small shards of metal their way. They turned away, then when it was finished, they burst through into the room together.

Steve was nowhere to be seen, but they heard him down the hall, fighting God-knows-how-many agents. There were already bodies littering the hall, and Bucky's heart skipped a beat. _What if one of them got lucky?_

He internally shook himself and focused on the mission. He rushed forward, then slowed as he approached the room Steve was in. He stepped in, gun ready, to find Steve dropping the last of the agents. "Hey, Buck," he grinned, and swiped his arm across his mouth, wiping a small amount of blood from his lip.

"Steve," he said, still on guard. "Where's the emergency? It looks like you handled it well enough."

Steve just grinned wider and shrugged. "What can I say? I'm just that good."

"Punk," Bucky scoffed, and stepped out of the room. "C'mon, we're not done yet." With that, he led the way up the hall, towards the room they were sure to find most of the agents and scientists in.

They passed one, two, three doorways, each time looking in to make sure they wouldn't be surprised by anyone. A hundred feet from the end of the hall, Steve gasped. Bucky turned to see him release his shield behind him, hitting another agent, but not before the agent shot him. Again.

"Well," Steve said, stumbling as he caught the shield again. "This isn't ideal."

"You're an idiot," Bucky let him know. "Sit down. Who the hell did we miss? Stay here, I'm gonna go check it out. Don't you dare move."

"Yup," Steve agreed, sliding down the wall to slump on the side of the hallway. "Not sure walking's gonna agree with me at the minute."

"Shut up," Bucky snarled as he stalked down the hallway, checking each room thoroughly. When he was satisfied there was no one left, he turned and ran back to Steve, dropping on the ground next to him and grabbing for him. "C'mere, lemme see, where're you hit?" Steve tugged at the uniform lightly, but Bucky batted his hand away and placed his own hands over the uniform, lightly feeling. He winced when Steve gasped. "Sorry."

Steve grabbed for his hands, stilling them, and shook his head. His breathing was labored, but he managed to get out, "One regret."

"Don't you dare," Bucky threatened, but Steve just smiled at him and started tapping.

Two short. One short, one long, two short. Three long. Three short and a long.

"Steve," Bucky said helplessly.

He shook his head and kept tapping. _Let me finish_ , he seemed to be saying. One short. One long, one short, two long. Three long. Two short, one long.

_I. Love. You._

Bucky sobbed and brought Steve's hand to his mouth in an attempt at a kiss. "Me too, Stevie," he whispered. "C'mon, you're a fighter, you've gotta fight. Keep going. Tell me how sappy I'm being, come on, please!" He curled forward, leaning into Steve, and with the last of his energy, Steve leaned forward and brushed his lips against Bucky's hair. Bucky grabbed for him desperately, not looking up, because if he didn't look up, it wasn't real. _Please. Please don't be real._

"Bucky," he heard from behind him, and he _knew_ what she was going to say, and he _couldn't hear it._ Not now. "No, Natalia," he said, harsher than he meant, and he choked on a combination of a sob and a gasp and got out, "I'm sorry. I can't."

"Then I'm sorry," she responded, and the next thing he knew, his neck was stinging, and the world was, blissfully, growing quiet.

* * *

He sat up with a gasp, and the first thing that registered was the room was dark.

The next thing that registered was the person next to him.

"There you are," they said softly. "Hey, it's okay."

"Steve," he gasped, choking on his own breath, trying to breath, mostly failing.

"Hey," he said, and he was _there_ , "it's okay. I'm right here."

"How?" he managed, shaking his head, hands raking through his hair.

"How?" Steve parroted. "Buck, I've been here the whole time."

"No," he whispered, shaking his head, hands shaking, and reached for him. "You- I watched you. You died."

Steve's breath hitched, and he reached for Bucky, too. "No, Buck," he whispered. "I promise." He gathered him in close, soothing. "I didn't die. It was a dream."

"We were on the mission," he tried to explain. "In Turkmenistan."

"That was a month ago," Steve said softly.

"You got shot."

"In the arm. I healed. Buck. It's okay." He paused, then said, "D'you wanna talk it out?"

"You died," Bucky repeated. "When... when you got shot, he hit you twice, once in the ribs and once in the spine." He swallowed harshly, "I could've prevented it."

"It's just a dream, Buck," Steve reminded him. "What happened next?"

"I ran back over to your side and I was trying to help, trying to stop the bleeding, but you stopped me." He sniffled, "You said, 'One regret,' and started tapping on my arm in Morse code." He let out a shaky breath and sat back, leaning against the headboard. "You told me you loved me, and that's when I started crying because I've loved you for fuckin' ever, and you died." He sniffed again, not meeting Steve's eyes, and chuckled, though it was a dark sound. "Then Nat fuckin' tranqed me because I wouldn't leave."

Steve chuckled too, then said, "You feelin' any better?"

Bucky shrugged, "I can sleep now, if that's what you mean."

"That's good," Steve said. "Mind if I ask you a question first, though?" Bucky hummed, so he continued. "You said you've loved me. For fuckin' ever, were your exact words." Bucky stiffened. "Was that just in the dream?"

"No," he whispered, knowing Steve would know if he lied. "It's... well, ever since Brooklyn. That's when I realized."

Steve was smiling when Bucky chanced a glance. "Okay. Well, I'm willing to go as slow as you'd like, or not at all if that's what you want, but I've wanted to kiss you ever since you punched Brian Tormenal in the teeth, so can I--mmph!"

Bucky pulled back, eyes wide. "Um. Sorry. I maybe should've given you some warning first."

Steve just laughed and pulled him back in. "Feel free to never warn me ever, actually, now come back here, I'm not done yet."

With a smile, Bucky allowed himself to be pulled back in, to experience what he'd wanted to ever since he punched Brian Tormenal for teasing Steve and the blond had told him, "I had 'im on the ropes."

"I know you did," Bucky'd replied, and they'd grinned and walked home together. And now, kissing Steve some eighty-odd years later, Bucky was home again.


End file.
